What is the correct answer? The correct answer is both. Not the answer you were looking for (huh), but let me explain. 

As a young mom having had my son at 21 with the dream of being married and raising my little one with a husband, my dream was shattered. I found myself in a co-parenting situation.

Unfortunately, my little one had to go between two homes with two different rules and different parenting styles but that is another topic for another day.😫

So the answer to the question is Yes and No. Here is the reason why:

It is No, if the following applies:

• The relationship between you and the other parent broke abruptly and one of you are still in love with the other parent but the feeling is not mutual

• One parent is a control freak. (My way or the highway mentality)

• A parent is bitter and has to hate you to move on

• And/Or emotionally, socially, mentally or physically abusive

If any of these apply you most likely will not be able to co-parent and I am sure there are more reasons not included in the list above. 

The bullet point items above make it very difficult to co-parent because the focus is not on the child but on the interaction with the other parent. The child becomes secondary. 

The struggle is real!

When the parents interact with each other there is a lot of pain. The interaction between the parents seems to unlock more emotional trauma and/or fight or flight feeling.

When this is the feeling that one of the parent’s experiences they may feel angry, scared and may lash out on the other parent. 

If this happens then the communication is now closed between the parents not allowing any communication to be successful for the child’s benefit.

I was not able to co-parent in the beginning because I was jealous that he had moved on. 

I felt like I gave him the best of me and he did not respect and care for me the way he did his new love interest and her children. 

When he would call, I would make it difficult for him by not trying to meet him halfway when it comes to our child. It was my way or the highway! 😡

I had gained control and leverage over him for the pain he had delivered to me. 

There were no co-parenting opportunities available until later in time… 

Which leads me to why co-parenting is possible

Yes, you can successfully co-parent if the following applies:

• If both parents main focus is on the child and what’s best for the child

• When both parents are able to put their personal feeling aside

• When both parents have a level of respect for each others role as the parent

• If both parents are responsible and consistent with communication

• And are flexible with each other when they can be

If you are able to utilize the bullet points above then you can successfully co-parent with your ex.

Both parents will be able to communicate effectively for the benefit of the child and allow the child to be the main focus of your interactions.

Parents may be able to align their goals for their child and have meaningful conversations about the child’s education, health and even set congruent boundaries. 

Being able to co-parent with your ex may also allow you to offer support to each other for the betterment of your child. (Ex. both parents being together for support at basketball games, ballet recitals, parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments and more.)

Your child will feel like they are the most important person with two parents who can only focus on them. 

When I was able to apply these techniques.

I did not take his parenting skills as a hand trying to control my parenting skills but an extra pair of hands helping me.

We were able to plan for his future and even coordinate medical insurance and care.

I won’t lie to you it took some time to get there but eventually I was able to even meet him halfway. When he wanted to keep him longer than I wanted, I allowed him too.

I had to realize his bond to our child was just as important to him as mine to our child. Additionally, I had to respect that he loved our child just as much as I did. 

Co-parenting can be a wonderful experience for the child and parents if both parents put away their feelings for each other and focus on the child. 

That’s a Wrap!

Share your own stories: "Share your stepparent journey in the comments below!"