What did I do wrong?

A few years ago I was talking with my girlfriend and she was extremely upset. Her son and his girlfriend surprised her with the news that they were to be parents and she was going to be a grandmother.  

She was excited to hear of the new blessing and terrified at the same time. 

She stated that she knew that they both loved kids but she wasn’t sure if they were mentally or financially ready to take care of a little one. 

Her son was barely working and his girlfriend had a rough upbringing, and suffered, causing her to have some emotional issues.

Even with this news she was happy to have a little one coming into the family. 

Fast forward 7 months later. She called me, so excited to tell me that her first grandchild, and bundle of joy, arrived on 6/22/2018. He weighed 9 lbs 2oz. 

My heart leap with joy for her. She shared a picture of the cutie pie. He was perfect! 

I would go on to see her happy and fulfilled in her role as a grandmother. I could see that she really loved being his grandmother.

You may wonder why I say,”loved being his grandmother,” in the past tense. I say it because when her grandson was 3 she became his sole guardian, no longer occupying the space of grandmother.

Her son and his girlfriend, over the years, made a series of bad decisions causing them to lose custody of their child. 

It hurt my heart to hear that this little one was caught in the chaos and to see my girlfriend was beside herself with concern for her grandson.

I could not believe all the things that were happening. She went through numerous court hearings concerning her grandson's well-being.

She stated that she could not let her grandson end up in the foster care system.  

Shortly after that statement, my girlfriend petitioned the court to gain custody of her grandson. She was granted sole physical custody of him. His parents were given visitation with no overnight visits.

My girlfriend would go on to find herself in a No-Win situation.

She even asked me, “What did I do wrong?” 

She went from grandmother to mother of a 3 year old.

How do grandparents feel?

She expressed so many emotions.

She said she felt:

• Relief (My grandson is safe)

• Sadness (My grandson is not with his parents)

• Nervous (Parenting is a serious commitment)

• Scared (I don't know if I have what it takes to start over again. I am 55 years old.)

• Stressed (I don't want to raise another child.)

• Cheated (I should be enjoying my retirement not raising a child.)

• Disappointment (I really thought I taught my son to be better.)

• Resentment (This child is not my responsibility! I just wanted to be a grandparent.)

My girlfriend's feelings of relief, sadness, nervousness, and fear are all valid responses to this sudden change in her life. The transition from grandparent to primary caregiver can be overwhelming, especially at an older age.

Lessons Learned for Grandparents

1. Be Prepared for the Unexpected: Life can be unpredictable. Even the most well-intentioned parents can face challenges.

2. Set Boundaries: While it's important to support your grandchildren, it's also crucial to maintain healthy boundaries to protect your own well-being.

3. Seek Support: Connect with other grandparents raising grandchildren or support groups for guidance and emotional support.

4. Explore Legal Options: Understand the legal implications of custody and guardianship to protect your rights and the child's best interests.

5. Prioritize Self-Care: Caring for a child can be demanding. Make sure to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

Additional Considerations

• Financial Implications: Raising a child is expensive. Consider how you will manage the financial burden.

• Legal Rights and Responsibilities: Understand your legal rights and responsibilities as a guardian or custodian.

• Emotional Well-being: Seek support to cope with the emotional challenges of this role.

How can we help?

Supporting a grandmother raising a grandchild can make a significant difference in her life and the well-being of the child. Here are some ways you can offer help:

Emotional Support:

• Listen without judgment: Offer a listening ear without judgment. Let her express her feelings and experiences.

• Validate her emotions: Acknowledge her feelings and let her know that it's okay to feel overwhelmed or stressed.

• Offer encouragement: Remind her of her strengths and capabilities. Let her know that she can handle this challenge.

• Connect her with support groups: Introduce her to other grandparents raising grandchildren or support groups for emotional support.

Practical Support:

• Help with childcare: Offer to babysit or help with childcare arrangements.

• Provide financial assistance: If possible, contribute to expenses related to the child's upbringing.

• Assist with household chores: Help with tasks like cooking, cleaning, or laundry.

• Run errands: Offer to run errands or help with shopping.

Self-Care Support:

• Encourage self-care: Remind her of the importance of taking care of herself physically and emotionally.

• Help her find hobbies or interests: Suggest activities that can help her relax and recharge.

• Arrange respite care: If possible, help her arrange for respite care to give her a break.

By offering a combination of emotional, practical, and self-care support, you can make a significant difference in the lives of both the grandmother and the grandchild.

Resources

If you or someone you know need additional support, here are some resources:

• Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: https://www.grandfamilies.org/

• Child Welfare Information Gateway: https://www.childwelfare.gov/

• The Grandfamily Guidebook: https://amzn.to/4hjrmNj

Remember if you are a grandparent raising a grandchild, you're not alone. Many grandparents face similar challenges. By seeking support and understanding the complexities of the situation, you can navigate this difficult time with greater resilience.