These words broke my heart

Not too long ago, I met this wonderful woman and she shared her story and her story impacted my parenting style. 

She said, “I was 10 years old when my mom and dad went to jail and they served 10 years for a crime they committed. My siblings and I were taken to foster care. We lived in multiple foster care homes together and then we were split up. I had no family!

A few of our foster care moms were in it for the money, I believe. They did the bare minimum with us. We had a roof, clothes and food. We went to school, came home and played with each other. 

I don’t recall them engaging much with us. It was a very structured and scheduled environment.

My very last foster mom was very nice, she was kind and she took me everywhere she went. She taught me how to cook and clean. She prepared me to be out on my own. I received hugs and kisses too. 

Eventually, l aged out of the foster care system. Nobody adopted me.

At age 18, I was finally free to be a grown up! I am free! Nobody told me what to do anymore. 

When I left foster care I had a full time job and was able to provide for myself financially but I still felt lost.

I realized that I had no one to love and I wanted to be loved. 

The following year, I would find myself pregnant, single and alone. 

As I tried to get myself together to embark on this new journey I realized that I don't know how to be a parent and I had no good examples of how to be a parent. I needed a mom!”

It touched my heart because so many times we treat and believe that people are raised just like us and have the same experiences, it is not true.

This young lady needed and deserved a mom or a parent who was fully present and engaged. 

With both parents missing from the picture she had not learned how to emotionally connect with her little one.  She noticed that she was raising her little one the way she was raised. 

I can only assume that her foster mom that took really good care of her may have not wanted to get attached to her due to the pain of losing her to another foster home. I could only imagine the heartbreak of putting your all into a kid and not being able to keep them.

Or maybe her foster mom was raised in an emotionally unavailable environment. I don’t know.

I really applaud this young mom for being able to recognize that she needed assistance through all her trauma, she was still able to reach out for assistance navigating this unknown space.

Her experience led me to really pay attention to parents. Each parent is truly different and our parenting is truly different.

I admit I used to be a little critical of certain parenting styles but over many years I realize that we are all figuring it out with the tools that we were given to us in our toolbox. 

Before I knew her story I was kind of naive in thinking that everyone was brought up similarly to me. I thought all parents tucked their kids into bed, gave hugs and kisses, even taught them how to cook and clean. 

I thought all parents sat down with their kids and had long deep conversations about life and things of womanhood. I was sadly mistaken from her story.

Her story made me evaluate and change some things in my parenting style

• I started to address my child’s emotions intentionally

• I started to teach my child to survive without me, fostering independence. Although I had no plans of going anywhere. Realizing unforeseen occurrences happen daily

• I started to review the things that I had not learned and made intentional changes to my parenting style

• I started to ask people who did not mind sharing their parenting success and failures questions, to help me with things I did not fully understand. 

That’s a Wrap!

By trying these 4 things I have learned and grown as a parent immensely. I know there is so much more to learn about parenting but I am grateful for the knowledge and those who share.

It is my hope that through this community we can help and lift each other as parents.  No one deserves to feel like they are drowning!

What do you wish you had learned about parenting?