I am the oldest of three siblings. I was 12 years old, my sister was 10 years old and my brother was 6 years old when I was left in charge of them.

My first real responsibility where no adults were in the house. My mom would go to the store for an hour to test me out.

Over the years I would go from watching my siblings from a few hours to a full day. I was in charge and responsible for their meals, making sure they were safe and enforcing house chores. 

As time went on my sister and brother refused to listen to me.

I was not being bossy but enforcing the rules that were passed down to me.

As the oldest child, this put me in a No-Win situation with my siblings. Soon my sister and brother started ignoring me all together. They did not do their house chores and it caused me some additional problems with my parents. 

Having this responsibility as a kid caused me anxiety, stress and even strained my relationship with my siblings. I felt overwhelmed, resentment towards my parents.

I didn't understand why I had to waste my time with their responsibilities. I felt used and unappreciated. 

What I now realize as that older sibling who is a parent now is that we need to recognize the challenges of being the older sibling. 

Helping younger siblings can be a rewarding experience, but it also comes with its own set of challenges. 

We need to help older siblings balance these responsibilities and provide support for these feelings and emotions.

How do older siblings feel?

Putting the oldest sibling in charge of their younger siblings can strain the sibling relationship in several ways:

• Feeling Overwhelmed and Lack of Appreciation: The responsibility of caring for younger siblings can be overwhelming, especially if they have a lot of needs or if the older sibling is still young themselves. Sometimes, younger siblings may not appreciate the help they are given, which can be frustrating for older siblings.

• Resentment and bitterness: When an older sibling feels overburdened or underappreciated for their role as caretaker, it can lead to resentment, jealousness, and bitterness towards their younger siblings. It can lead to jealousy and competition among the siblings.

• Loss of childhood or personal time: Helping younger siblings can take up a lot of time, leaving older siblings with less time for their own hobbies, interests, and social activities.The oldest sibling may feel like they missed out on their own childhood due to the responsibilities placed upon them. This can create a sense of unfairness and resentment.

• Power imbalances: The role of caretaker can create a power imbalance between the siblings, with the oldest sibling feeling superior or entitled, and the younger siblings feeling dependent or inferior.

• Feeling Taken Advantage Of: Older siblings may feel like they are being taken advantage of if they are constantly being asked to do things for their younger siblings.

• Stress and Anxiety: The constant responsibility of caring for younger siblings can lead to strained communication between siblings, as they may struggle to express their feelings or needs to each other. The stress and anxiety of caring for younger siblings can take a toll on an older sibling's mental health.

It is important for parents to recognize these challenges. While putting the oldest sibling in charge can be beneficial in some situations, it's crucial to balance their responsibilities with their own needs and well-being.

Open communication, support, and boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy sibling relationships.

What is the lesson for us?

From the shared experiences and insights, we can glean several important lessons about supporting older siblings:

1. Acknowledge their unique challenges: Older siblings often face a unique blend of responsibilities and pressures. It's crucial to recognize and validate their experiences.

2. Provide emotional support: Offer empathy, understanding, and encouragement to help older siblings cope with the challenges they face.

3. Foster open communication: Create a safe space for older siblings to express their feelings, concerns, and needs without judgment.

4. Set realistic expectations: Help older siblings understand that they cannot be perfect caretakers. Encourage them to set realistic goals and boundaries.

5. Offer practical support: Provide resources, advice, or assistance with specific tasks to alleviate their burden.

6. Promote self-care: Encourage older siblings to prioritize their own well-being through activities they enjoy and seeking help when needed.

7. Advocate for systemic changes: Support initiatives that aim to reduce the burden on older siblings, such as policies that promote family-friendly workplaces or provide adequate childcare resources.

How can we help?

To effectively support older siblings, we can:

• Create a supportive environment: Foster a sense of community and belonging where older siblings can connect with others who share similar experiences.

• Offer educational resources: Provide information about child development, stress management, and conflict resolution to equip older siblings with the necessary skills.

Suggested Paperback or Audiobook "Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life” by Dr. Laura Markham www.amzn.to/TpY9WU

This book explores the complex dynamics of sibling relationships and offers insights into how to navigate the challenges and rewards.

• Advocate for their needs: Raise awareness about the challenges faced by older siblings and advocate for policies that support their well-being.

• Celebrate their contributions: Acknowledge and appreciate the valuable role older siblings play in their families and communities.

By implementing these strategies, we can empower older siblings to thrive while also ensuring that their younger siblings receive the care and support they need.

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