Are you helping your spouse raise a child that is not yours? Do you want to pull out your hair!

Well back in the early 2000’s I met a wonderful man with a beautiful little girl.

A few years later that wonderful man asked me to marry him and we became a blended family.

It was him, his little girl, my son and I, a family of four. It was going to be perfect in my head so I thought.

Over a period of time, my stepdaughter made it very clear that she did not want another mom and that she already had a mom.

She was 7 years old when her dad and I married. She was not happy with me trying to parent her and she even felt like I was trying to take her mom’s place.

With her feeling like I was trying to take her mom’s place she began to act out by talking back, making smart remarks and not listening when her dad was not around.

This really hurt my feelings, left me feeling helpless and stressed. I really wanted to have a good relationship with her and wanted to be a good mother figure. 

What helped me is these 3 lessons that I learned:

• Be patient

• Build trust

• Set realistic goals

These 3 tips were easier said than done. I learned these lessons by trial and error:

Lesson #1: Be patient

First thing I had to do was work on being patient. She was a 7 year old child who was feeling conflicted about having two women mothering her in her life.

She did not instantly love me like she did her mother who raised and nurtured her from a baby.

We were strangers. She had to learn about me and I about her. I had to learn the things she likes and does not like. We had to build a foundation with each other.

It took a lot of patience for me to build this foundation because she was hesitant. 

We would get close and she would pull back due to fear of betraying her mother.

She would be nice to me and then be mean. She would give me a hug and other times I couldn’t even get a hello.

My patience was being tested and I did not have a lot to start with. 

Once I seriously developed patience I was able to wait for her to come to me.

I waited patiently for her to develop our relationship in a way she felt comfortable.

Lesson #2: Build trust

Second thing I had to do was to build trust. Again she was 7 years old. She did not really know me like her dad does.

She doesn't know how to have intimate conversations and discuss her feelings. I had to make her feel like she belonged and that I was someone she could trust.

We had to spend time together so we could get to know each other. I shared stories of my childhood and she shared the fun things that she liked to do. We both gave a little of ourselves back and forth.

I learned to ask her for her opinions and allow her to make some decisions.

For example, I would let her choose what we will eat for dinner then we would go to the store and buy it together. We would then come home and prepare the meal together.

A little bonding time together.

By actively building trust, we developed a friendship. It gave her a sense of belonging and showed her that I am a person she can depend on.

Additionally, it showed her that I meant her no harm and that I loved her. 

Lesson #3: Set realistic goals

This last lesson was really hard to do because in my mind I kept setting goals that were not appropriate for her age group. When she would get upset and act out.

Sometimes she would say mean things and I would get so angry not realizing she is only a child and she is not able to manage her feelings.

Since she spoke so well and had good understanding I held her to an adult level and that was not fair to her. She had so much conflict in her little heart and mind.

There is no way I should expect her to consistently regulate her feelings toward me and fulfill the intimate relationship dream I have in my head. 

Setting realistic expectations of the dynamics of relationships allowed me not to become disappointed when she was not able to emotionally regulate herself or would act out.

It allowed me to give her space to sort through those big feelings and it allowed me not to take everything personally.

That’s a Wrap!

By my learning and applying those 3 lessons over time the dynamics of our relationship changed. She began to talk to me more freely and shared her feelings. This really warmed my heart. 

Learning to manage myself was the biggest challenge and accomplishment to gaining the trust of my stepdaughter.

Try these three lessons with your bonus baby and I would love to hear your experience and thoughts.

Feel free to comment below.